Detachment.

The other night while sitting on itchy wool blankets with fellow yogis we discussed detachment. We spoke of what it means to detach and how it goes against the way we are taught to live.

We spoke of how this philosophy can be tied into christian theology with Jesus asking his disciples to leave everything, even their families, to do God's work. This is the same thing that may cause some people to become missionaries, monks, or nuns...

Detaching from the ego and day-to-day control of every little detail, to surrender to God (Life, Source, Universe).

I sat there listening to everyone's thoughts on the subject, taking it all in, which isn't something I normally do. I tend to drive the conversation, but this time I listened.

I contemplated detachment in my own life and how I've grown (or shrunk?) over the years.

I was addicted to exercise. I was obsessed with changing my body, I hated that I have always been more shapely. I spent my life trying to change what God had made...

Anorexia was my crutch. I punished my body for not being what I considered ideal. After having my last baby (and not gaining any weight during the pregnancy), I gained 10 pounds just in my lower body. No matter the starvation and marathons ran, the weight stayed there.

But one day, after battling for years, I was forced into surrender. I was sick. My body rebelled and cancerous cells were found in my blood.

It took getting sick to realize how beautiful this body was, and is. And even after fighting it for so long, it never gave up. It kept my babies, it kept me.

I surrendered to what my body needs. I surrendered to its natural state.

I detached from the idea that my body is ME. It is just my vehicle through this life.

Then I began to think back to how I used to crave love.

I needed love.

But I didn't know about healthy love. I didn't even know what love was. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship. I endured abuse, rape, and abandonment from men. And to be brutally honest, I never, ever, "chose" a man. I have always been a passive participant in the beginning of a relationship. And I have always been the lone carrier of all the work and growth in the rest of the relationship.

I ignored every red flag because I thought I couldn't find better. I willingly endured maltreatment because I didn't understand healthy relational dynamics.

Even in the beginning of my marriage, which I was completely passive, it was not a healthy environment. Two unhealthy people cannot make a marriage flourish...

He wasn't a bad guy like many others were, but had I listened to my soul--not my feelings--I would have known there was no rush. We both were in need of some serious relational healing.

But I rushed. Because if I didn't, would he stay?

Over the years and pains of failed relationships I realized that I can't help that I didn't learn how to love in a healthy way in early childhood. I may have not been able to help that I didn't develop a strong sense of self-worth and love until I was in my late-twenties, but I could help who I let into my life. And by being a passive participant, I am still a participant. A lot of my adult life's pain was because I didn't have healthy boundaries. I allowed people to use me. I was so scared of saying "no" because I was afraid of being left in the dust...

But in the last year I learned how to say no. I learned that if people leave, that is their prerogative, but I have God. And I have me. My worth is not based on another person's ability to see it.

I surrendered to the possibility of losing relationships (friendly and romantic) and in doing so, I freed myself from needing love from another human being.

I detached from co-dependency.

I went down this huge list of things that I have left behind over the years. I held onto the things I did because of ego, fear, desperation...

but as each year goes by, more things fade away.

Detachment doesn't mean we abandon love, friends, and family...

It means we surrender to something bigger. Something bigger than our feelings, our hurts, our addictions, our passions. We surrender to God. We surrender to not having or needing control.

What is left when we relinquish the desire to control, we find peace.

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#yoga #Selfhelp #inspiration #detachment #Freedom #peace #joy #surrender #love #addictions #God #growth #codependent