I Am Not Good

I grew up in a christian family. I knew what sin was. I knew who God was.

I am also naturally a person who works very hard to ensure other people are happy and taken care of. I like to make sure I offer support to those around me. But with my relationship with God, and not so good theology in my teens, I had a hard time reconciling my sin with my outward "goodness". If I loved God so much, why do I desire the things I do that are so against my God, and why can I desire them and hate them so much?

I grew up with "try harder". That was the theology of moralism. The thing with moralism though, is it is so against scripture.

Galatians 2:16 says, " yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified."

Here the understanding is that not a single person will ever become justified in God's eyes without first receiving Jesus Christ as their Lord.

Justification is when we stand before God blameless. Justify means to be made right or reasonable in the sight of another. If you break the word down, its root is Justus, which is Latin and means "to do justice to". This meaning also carries into the Christian Latin root of the word. The same meaning carries into the modern use of the word, "justify" which means to "administer justice to".

I carried such an internal conflict for so long due to bad theology and not realizing the only thing that can satisfy God's wrath towards human rebellion and sin was there had to be a penalty paid. I am not justified by anything I can do, it is impossible, my human goodness pales and is dirty compared to God's... But Jesus? God in flesh? He paid it all. The justice of God for all of mankind was put on Jesus. I learned what the Gospel really meant at 26.

I continued to struggle relearning the bible from outside the lenses of men's bias and moralism. I have found that the fundamental thing to humanity is that we are all born into depravity, and we all need a savior. Paul says in Romans 7,

"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

I had the same struggles for years against myself and not understanding the split between my flesh and spirit. I had a hard time reconciling "try harder" with what happened when I did. The harder I tried with my flesh alone to flee sin, the more I craved it.

It is a spiritual thing, not a flesh thing. The law is in our hearts, it is our conscious and it is how we measure our lives... However, I was never given useful tips as to how do I combat the lust I had in my heart for sin.

Paul goes on to speak in Romans 8 that we need to pursue a life that is in the spirit. He says, "For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit" (Romans 8:5).

We aren't saved by the law, not by any means, because we can't live by them perfectly, we've failed since been given them. However, once we are justified by Jesus, we start living in the Spirit, and our actions start to change. My pursuits cannot be by my own will, pure guts and glory, because I will fail.

My favorite preacher, Paul Washer said it best,

"You wanna know why we struggle with sin? It is because we love it!

You wanna stop sinning? It is simple:

Start loving Jesus MORE than your SIN!"

Mic drop. Amen. HALLELUJAH!

I heard that about three months ago. Three. I've been pursuing this Reformed and more biblical theology for 5 years now. And with that one statement, and realization, I repented for trying to make it on my own. I can't.

I am not strong enough. I fail too much on my own, but in pursuing Jesus and loving him MORE, I have been able to walk away from many battles that have been plaguing me for years.

Most of my christian walk has been up and down because my own shame over my sin and inability to annihilate it on my own. I would run from God because of my inability to be perfect and good for him. I must be a moral failure.

But now I am solid in my walk, because I know my God, finally. My faith finally had a foundation outside of man's morals. God's goodness and greatness isn't predicated on my ability to be good. My christian-ness isn't measured by my ability to avoid sin by will alone.

My faith is in Jesus. And Jesus alone... He did the work, I just need to walk in that.

I know I am not good. Not even close, but the goodness that reflects out into the world is merely a reflection of the one I love, the one who created me.

#theology #reformtheology #Calvinist #depraved #salvation #grace #justice #sin